Am I the problem?

Dating can be hard. It’s exhausting building up all the energy to get all cute, meet someone new, and put yourself out there, only to find yourself on the fifth first date of the month. If you’re stuck in a dating rut, you might be wondering: am I the problem?

First of all — you’re absolutely not a problem! Just because you’re the common denominator in your love life doesn’t mean you have to be the reason it isn’t going the way you want. There are a lot of reasons you might be struggling to find that spark with someone new, and putting yourself down is just a distraction to take you out of the driver’s seat. Instead of judging yourself, try approaching your love life in a new way.

Try on a second date.

Sometimes the best way to break out of that rut is to literally break out of it. A lot of people will find themselves on a never ending string of first dates, get tired, and throw in the towel, but that doesn’t have to be how you do it. What if you break that cycle in the other direction — like with a second date? Not everyone makes their best impression on the first try and you need a little change, so why not try it again. A second date will give you a chance to see more from one person, without pushing you to decide if it’s make or break.

Be fair with your expectations.

Now this is nuanced. You’re standards are your standards for a reason and no one is telling you to change them. But I am asking you to make sure you’re being fair with your expectations. It’s not fair to be upset at someone for not kissing you goodbye if you hadn’t even touched their hand all evening. Just like it’s not fair to expect someone to communicate directly about who pays if they don’t know that’s important to you. We all have to make sense of the mixed messages we’ve gotten about how first dates are “supposed to go,” so it’s only fair you make known what is and isn’t important to you. Give your date a chance to live up to your expectations without asking them to read your mind.

Follow the fun.

You may have forgotten, but dating is meant to be fun! The love of your life isn’t going to be the person you drag through a boring coffee date. They’re going to be the person you share exciting experiences with. Whether you’re trying out a new restaurant or inviting them to your favorite hobby spot, plan your dates with the intention of having fun. Finding a connection is a 50/50 chance, but enjoying yourself on a date should be guaranteed.

Remember, just because you’re the common thread, doesn’t mean you’re a problem. You’re simply the only thing you can control. Make sure you’re dating life works for you and the rest will fall into place.