The Key to Healthy Relationships: Initiate
If you want to be dating with purpose, you have to learn to initiate. Whether you’re initiating the second date, initiating sexual intimacy, or initiating a conversation about building conflict, initiation is the key to keeping your relationship healthy.
Unfortunately, many of us — especially women — have learned that it’s not a good thing to initiate. Maybe you’re afraid of looking bossy or annoyed about always being the one to initiate, but these fears are just getting in the way of what you want. Being able to initiate something between you and your partner(s) gives you power in your relationship, and when all partners have access to that power, we get these beautiful, balanced, and fulfilling relationships.
Initiating means your needs are centered in your relationship.
You are the only person who knows what you need. By initiating conversation and activities that align with your needs, you’re able to make those needs known and therefore more likely to have those needs met. For example, if you need sexual intimacy and you initiate sex, you’re on track to have those needs met. While your partner(s) can refuse to be intimate with you, you’ve still made it known that you are in need. Whereas if you never initiate intimacy, or even a conversation about intimacy, you cannot reasonably expect your partner(s) to meet that need for you. Our partner(s) aren’t mind readers and they aren’t solely responsible for meeting all our needs. Initiating puts you in the drivers seat while limiting the load you put on the relationship.
Initiating means you’re putting effort into your relationship.
We all want to feel like someone is putting in effort to spend time with us. Think about those second or third dates where you realize you’ve initiated everything up to this point. You might start to wonder, “Do they even want a third date? Maybe they’re not that into me if they haven’t asked?” This sentiment rings true throughout the lifespan of a relationship, too. Think about the holidays and when it’s time to figure out your plans. You might wonder, “Does my partner even want to see my family if they haven’t mentioned it yet?” We all want to feel important to our loved ones, and the best way to do that is by showing effort. Initiating the hard conversations says you care about your partner and you want them to feel loved.
Unfortunately for a lot of us, we’ve learned that initiation is gender-assigned. For example, our culture suggests men are responsible for initiating sexual intimacy. Which puts pressure on them to be responsible for the sexual health of their relationships, ultimately cutting out their partners’ desire, agency, and engagement. Each relationship will grow from this imbalance in different ways, but sharing responsibilities for initiating can go a long way in improving the health of your relationship.
Being the initiator isn’t just a role in your sex life, either. Your relationships are complex and full, meaning the responsibilities to initiate exist in every aspect of your relationship. Be sure to consider how you own that responsibility in all areas of your relationship — financially, when it comes to parenting, as you navigate conflict, and more.
If you find that one area is particularly hard for you, it’s okay clue your partner in. You can say something like, “I’ve noticed you tend to take the lead on our household budget. I really value what you bring to that part of our lives and I’d like to be better at sharing some of that responsibility with you. Can we have a conversation about our finances?” This kind of ask is initiation in and of itself, but it’s also a jump off point to initiate future conversations and actions about your financial health.
So take a minute to reflect. Where can you step it up and share some load with your partner(s)? How would you feel if you were able to achieve a better balance? What could it look like to do more initiating in that area of your relationship?
