Using your emotions to build intimacy

Surely you know communication isn’t a one way street, but what if you aren’t the best communicator? Maybe you like to have time to think before you speak, or maybe you aren’t so great at putting your feelings into words. Every person has their own communication preferences and limitations — which means each person also has their own challenges to becoming a top tier communicator.

If you’re a person who isn’t so quick to share, it’s important to understand what it is that might be keeping you from letting your loved ones connect with your inner thoughts. You can ask yourself questions like:

• What have I learned about communication in intimate relationships?

• How do I connect with my own emotions, thoughts, and beliefs?

• What makes it hard for me to express myself to the people I care for?

We don’t want to be adapting our communication styles for the sake of someone else’s request, but for our own sake. Think about it: what do you have to gain from being understood? If you’re partner understood you maybe they could help lighten your load, give you little gifts or surprises to make you feel loved, or even help you manage some of your more uncomfortable feelings. All you can do is try to let your loved ones in.

Start by identifying your emotions.

What are you feeling in this moment? Where do you feel it in your body? Sometimes it helps to root your emotions in bodily sensations. For example, if your lover asks to open your relationship, you may notice a tightness in your throat or maybe a tingling in your stomach. You can then compare these sensations in your body to other times you felt this way. That tingle in your stomach could remind you of a positive sexual experience therefore suggesting you may be excited about your lover’s idea.

Own your own emotions.

Sometimes we let our emotions be someone else’s responsibility, like when we talk about disappointment or betrayal. Feelings like this cannot be separated from the person or circumstances that caused them. For example, you can’t feel disappointment unless your partner didn’t follow through on a promise. To share with your partner that you feel disappointed is pushing your emotions off onto them. And while they may have some responsibility for leading you to this emotion, your feelings exist whether or not someone or something takes responsibility for them. Try to dig a bit deeper and identify the independent emotions that lie beneath the disappointment, like frustration, sadness, or even anger.

Share your emotions without judgement.

Many of us have learned that there are good feelings (i.e. happy, playful, excited) and bad feelings (i.e. angry, sad, apathetic). But in reality, feelings can’t be measured in terms of good and bad. Our emotions are complex — often mixing up and reprioritizing based on the context. They exist instinctively, meaning we have little control over what we feel and when we feel it. Emotions are objective consequences of a situation, and therefore cannot be fairly judged. When you try to share with a loved one use “I” statements and only use objective observations to justify them. For example, you can say “I was sad when our date night plans fell through” and that can be the whole story.

Be accountable to behavior that results from your emotions.

While we have no control over our feelings, we do have control over how we express them. You can choose to express them with words, like we discussed above, or through your actions. But be careful those actions are the best way for you to express them. While we know it’s not acceptable to express anger through violence or shouting, it also may not be best to express love through a marriage proposal. Our behaviors can influence someone else’s emotions, and while we can never be sure how our actions will impact someone else, can know if our actions are congruent with our emotions. Let your emotions exist without judgement and they’ll lead you to the best responses.

It can be hard at first to build up these skills, but remember that you and your loved ones have so much to gain! Sharing your inner thoughts with a partner can increase the connection you feel to them and them to you. And don’t shy away from letting someone know you’re still developing these communication skills. A little bit of vulnerability can go a long way.