Upgrading your attachment system
Connection is one of the basic human needs. We need each other, not only to survive, but to be fulfilled, to make meaning, and to develop purpose. Relationships for so many are the core of our identities. But when we define ourselves by our relationships, we run the risk of a crisis any time that relationship may change or even if change is threatened. We see that people in healthy, secure relationships are able to welcome and adapt to change whereas other attachment styles cannot.
We develop our attachment styles in childhood, based on how we attached to our parents. Healthy thriving parents foster secure attachment styles. But, childhood trauma can disrupt our ability to connect in healthy ways, leading to anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles. Which means, as adults trying to connect with partners —or friends — we are hyper aware of threats to that relationship. What does that mean for the different styles?
Anxious Attachment
People who favor anxious attachment might respond to threats to their relationship by trying to get control of it. For example, if they suspected their partner may be interested in another person, they may start reading their text messages or asking for more assurance that this other person isn’t a threat. They may be hyper-focused on eliminating the threat, perhaps even to the point of violating relationship agreements like privacy and trust.
Avoidant Attachment
People who favor avoidant attachment might respond to threats to their relationship by disconnecting or even dissociating from it. For example, if they suspected their partner may be upset with their household chore effort, they may avoid coming home after work. They may be nervous or even shameful about their actions, but they don’t feel or express those emotions.
Disorganized Attachment
People who favor disorganized attachment might be more on the offensive when it comes to possible threats in the relationship, by withholding trust and commitment. For example, they may be constantly pulling someone in and out, or even leading them on with their actions. They don’t know if they can trust when they feel safe with their partner and that confusion can manifest in their relationships.
Our bodies respond to threats the ways they’ve been taught to respond. So, if you’re body learned that it’s not safe to rely on another person, you’re body will continue to protect itself by excelling in independence. But, our bodies — our nervous systems — are adaptable. You can teach your body new ways of being, and that includes teaching your body how to connect to someone in a healthy way.
Secure Attachment
People who favor secure attachment respond to threats to their relationship with compassion and vulnerability. For example, if they suspect their partner is worried about the household finances, they may open a dialogue with their partner. They trust that their relationship can handle conflict and their self worth remains regardless the outcome.
Teaching your body how to adopt more secure attachment behaviors takes time, but it’s a true journey in reconnecting with your physical self. By tapping in to sensations in the body and mindfully navigating their hints, you can come to understand how your body responds to your relationships and the circumstances surrounding them. With some loving kindness and self compassion, you can sooth those signals with markers of security, ultimately updating your attachment system to be better suited for relationships you have today.
