Aggressive v. Assertive: Getting What You Need From Conflict

Conflict is one of those things that makes people so horribly uncomfortable they would rather stomach their negative feelings than invite their trusted ones to support them. At its core, conflict is just a moment in which our needs are mismatched. The invitation to support each other through conflict is a commitment to grow together through change, especially when we’re coming from different places.

Conflict Styles

Avoidant: We all know how uncomfortable conflict can be, so sometimes we avoid it entirely. We might convince ourselves that the negative feelings we experience towards our loved one isn’t so important to share it with them. We might even convince ourselves that we aren’t really upset about it either, ultimately laying another brick on the wall of resentment that we will have to deal with in the future.

Passive: Part of what makes conflict so uncomfortable is that we don’t all get the opportunity to learn how to do it. Sometimes when we try we end up walking this strange line where our behavior suggests something is wrong, but our words say everything is fine. Being passive in conflict unfortunately means that your loved and trusted ones do not have an opportunity to take care of you. So while you may have remained polite or cordial, you and your partner are living in two different realities about the status of your connection.

Aggressive: And sometimes when we experiment with how we’re supposed to get someone to care about our unmet needs, we can come out too hot. We might be loud, or stubborn, or even minimize our trusted one’s experience of the conflict. Being aggressive is a way of demanding our needs are tended to, but it doesn’t provide the respect necessary to connect with your loved one as you navigate change and discomfort. An aggressive conflict style betrays the intimacy that is essential for conflict, while also blocking the reward of intimacy through conflict resolution.

Assertive: An assertive conflict style resources love and respect to make sure all involved parties have their needs met. An assertive conflict style means you’re identifying your needs to your trusted one, inviting them to join you the adventure of meeting those needs, and bringing you closer in your commitment to care for one another. By putting boundaries on the role of conflict in your relationship, you’re able to view your needs as innately human, rather than a judgement on anyone’s ability to fulfill those needs. Healthy relationships utilize assertive conflict styles to make sure they are growing together should they have been growing apart.

Healthy Conflict is Assertive

Having an assertive conflict style doesn’t necessarily come naturally. To be assertive you have to be self-aware — you have to be able to recognize and name your emotions while connecting them to the unmet need causing the conflict. You also have to be aware of how you block conflict. Maybe you get defensive or blamey in times like these. But an assertive conflict style recognizes that those are reactions to protect yourself from being vulnerable. If this is a person you trust, they are a person with whom you can be vulnerable.

This doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries. Sometimes vulnerability in conflict can be met with boundary pushing, like, if for example, your conflict was really a breakup. If your needs are unmet to the point that you do not trust this person to help you care for them, then it’s likely your conflict will end in some sort of separation. Even if that’s the case, the goal is to be assertive; even breakups can be done in a healthy way. Approaching a breakup with an aggressive or even passive style can leave past trusted ones feeling confused and pained.

Level Up Your Conflict Resolution

If you are looking for a first step to develop your own assertive conflict style, check out the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The Center for Nonviolent Communication teaches a simple four step model utilizing objective observation, common humanity, and reasonable requests to communicate around conflict in an assertive and accessible way.