Becoming Emotionally Connected

To some people, talking about their emotions is like talking about something that doesn't exist. Some people think emotions are meaningless and unimportant. And I'd understand how someone could think that way, especially if somewhere along the way they learned that their emotions didn't matter — no matter how much you talked about them.

Feelings Matter

It's an unfortunate fact of life that there are moments where your needs are going to go unmet. Whether that's because your best friend can't talk while they're on shift at work, or because you had a parent who neglected you for their own substance use issues, we are all left wanting at some point. Unfortunately, when that happens more than once, or twice, our brains will start to puzzle those memories together to find a pattern. And if the pattern it finds is no-matter-how-much-you-ask-for-support-no-one-will-help-you, then your brain decides to stop allocating it's resources towards talking about your feelings.

Once you stop talking about your feelings, it slips even harder. Now that you're not talking about them, you're still feeling them. You've got all this negative energy pent up in your body and you know more is coming down the road. It feels really bad being in your body. Like emotionally bad, but also headaches, stomach aches, fatigue. It's uncomfortable. Some bodies will respond to that kind of discomfort by numbing out or dissociating from the body.

Disassociating has been a popularized psychology term that has some confusing definitions and stigmas, but essentially dissociation is the lack of a mind-body connection. It can manifest a lot of ways, but essentially it means your mind is severing ties with the body so it can no longer register all that discomfort.

So, now we have a person who has been told talking about your feelings doesn't make a difference, feeling your feelings is miserable, your body gets hopeless and shuts it all down. It would be hard to talk about your feelings if this was what you learned and how you coped with the consequences. I understand if you want to hold on to this behavior, because it has served you so well for so long, but it looks heavy. I imagine it's hard to be numb to your emotions. I'd think it makes it hard to get close to someone, if you wanted to be. I'd think you'd like for there to be more for you.

Tips for Talking about Your Feelings

There is! There's so much more out here for you in the land of talking about your feelings. When done well with the right people, it's the only way we're ever going to get our needs met. So, if you ever want to join us in talking about your feelings. Here's some tips:

• Start small. It isn't all going to come back at once, or right away. It takes what it takes, but even small steps are victories and deserving of celebration. Start to pause at moments in your day and try to observe your body. How does it feel to sit on the couch after a long day at work? Or to hold your first cup of coffee in the morning?

• Find someone safe. Talking about your feelings is a risky move, especially for someone who doesn't feel confident it will go well. Find someone safe. A therapist is a professional safe person, but if you have a safe friend or partner or family member, spend time with them. Notice how your body feels when you're with this person. Identify those sensations as emotions and tell this person how they make you feel. These are good emotions. The risk is so low, and with a safe person, it's likely to be rewarding.

• Practice all the time. Sharing your positive feelings while hard, is nothing compared to sharing your negative feelings. It takes a lot of practice to get good about talking about your emotions. You're not always going to get it right, but a safe person will give you space to try again. Practice sharing your feelings when you feel them, and experiment with ways of communicating them that feel good for your relationship.

Tips for Helping Others Talk about Their Feelings

If you're a person who loves someone who struggles to express their emotions, it's okay to want them to do this work. It's important that you know how they feel, and it's important for the sustainability of your relationship so you can tend to their needs. You can support them in doing this work.

Mind you, I said SUPPORT. Which means, we're not playing backdoor mind games trying to get someone to say they like us. This is serious. Being a safe person is a responsibility. It is an honor to be trusted with someone's feelings and you should wear that honor responsibly.

Okay so how to support them in doing this work:

• When you're talking, give them lots of space to answer questions. Just because they stop talking doesn't mean they're done. Give them time to think just a bit longer before you jump in.

• On that thread, invite them to talk more. Asking open-ended questions is a great way to explore your partner's feelings. Plus, it shows them you're interested in knowing what those feelings are.

• And that means you have to do something with those feelings. Don't be like the ones before you and ignore their feelings after they share them. If they ask you to do something about their feelings, find a way to do something about them. Be a safe person, even if it's hard. (You can tell them it's hard for you; talking about our feelings is a two-way street.)

There's so much power in being able to share our feelings with our loved ones. It's power you deserve. Go get yours.